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Thoughts lately

I've been thinking a lot lately about the future and making plans. 

Not just because my boyfriend of two years who I really believed I was going to marry, broke up with me, but because this is my last semester of college. This time next year I will be working a job that I either love or hate, living somewhere that I can afford or barely can afford, and I don't know who my friends will be. 

As much as I try to imagine living in New York I just can't see how I could afford to live here. An entry-level job is going to barely cover a shared apartment, groceries, and my monthly student loan payment. I love New York and I love the friends I have here and I wish I could just stay and see what they accomplish. It's just not realistic for me to think that I could live comfortably here. So I'm going to end up somewhere else probably. I'm going to apply to jobs here, but I'll be applying in other places as well. 

Breaking up with my boyfriend made me realize how much I was relying on him. Not that I think relying on a man is bad (#trad). I just want to figure out what it is that I want to do. Mostly because I need a job in order to live and I'd rather it not be something that I hate. I really want to travel, but that is not possible at this time. I'm going to focus on having a steady income and paying my student loans for the foreseeable future.

I don't know if I can say I'm less anxious or nervous about the future, but I do have a sense of apathy towards it. An "it is what it is" attitude about my future. Although that could also be because I'm only stressing about my thesis this semester. I have to write like twenty-some pages and I am not ready. I don't think I have enough original thoughts to fill that up. 

Another realization I've had in December is that I don't know how to be alone. That has been something that I have struggled with and denied and ignored for years. I guess growing up with a sibling who often gets mistaken for your twin does that to you. Now I'm in college and although I moved about eight hours from my family, I live in a dorm with one to three other girls, so I'm still not alone. 

I am terrified to live alone. The worst situation I can imagine is living with someone I barely know or have just met, and I don't have any friends to live with. Now you're thinking "Wait, didn't she just say that she lived in a dorm with different girls every year for all of college?" Yes, I did say that. AND I HATED IT. Every second. It sucked because I am not an outgoing person. I am so shy and terrified of conflict so I will not say a word while the place I live turns into my own personal hell because I am so afraid of pissing off my roommates and starting world war three. So I suffered in silence and that worked for three years, but now I'm done and I cannot do that again. And we've already established I can't afford to live alone in New York so I'm forced to look other places. 

All of this to say, I'm working on becoming less attached to one specific plan for myself and letting the future bring whatever it will. Believing that what is meant to be will be and not letting myself get caught up in the what-ifs. Here's to doing more of that in 2022.

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