Slowing down

I just googled something and I noticed at the top of the page before the results are even displayed, Google puts the approximate number of results (usually in the millions) and the time it took to get those results (usually a number of seconds). 

That's insane. Not the number or the time span (which is pretty impressive) but that Google puts that first on the page. A subtle brag or a representation of how our society only values results. I recently read an essay about slowing down and enjoying nature called "The Invitation" by Barry Lopez. It inspired me to take a step back and recognize that being productive every single day is not the goal of life, or at least it shouldn't be. 

Every night I go to bed thinking about all the things that I didn't get done that day and never the things that I did. I don't want to brag, but I can be a pretty responsible, productive member of society when I want to be. Except that I have never felt like I was in my life. Every week I find myself writing down in the spot that says, "Today I want to feel" in my journal, "Accomplished." 

Sometimes I write "Less depressed" or "Calm" too because you have to be realistic. 

I dream of one day being able to feel satisfied with myself and with what I accomplished during the day. But instead, I go to bed feeling anxious about the things I didn’t do and/or depressed because I feel like I wasted another day. 

Putting aside the fact that the concept of “wasting a day” is inherently flawed, I really do wonder how we got to this point as a society. Where nothing is ever good enough because there are people earning hundreds of dollars an hour without ever lifting a finger. I feel so caught up in being productive as I can and preparing for the future that I forget that this is the moment that I’ve been working towards for the last three years. 

I’m a senior in college! 

That’s a big deal. That’s a lot of schooling that I have endured to get to this point. But instead of feeling satisfied and proud of myself for that, I can only think about how I’m going to get a job and afford an apartment. Part of that stress is definitely related to my anxiety disorder, but it’s also caused by the immense pressure on humans, and on humans my age especially, to have it all figured out. We turn eighteen and the world expects us to know what we want to study for the next four years and how that relates to what we want to do for the rest of our lives. That is so crazy. From the time we’re born it’s go go go and I’m not saying that’s necessarily a bad thing, but we have to recognize the negative impacts of that that we’re seeing on people today. 

There’s so much anxiety and depression today and it’d be naïve to think it’s not linked to how our society perceives success. If you’re not churning out product or making money, then you aren’t valuable to our society. When the reality is most people aren’t constantly creating and doing. In fact, nobody really is, it’s just that some people have the means to employ others to work when they aren’t. It’s so dangerous to have that precedent in our society. 

I wrote all of the above about two months ago and it reads so lib-y now that I want to erase it all and start over, but I'm fighting that urge. What I'm trying to say is that while constant innovation and creation are great for humanity, it can lead to people feeling burnt out and not being able to enjoy their downtime which is also important. 

In the couple of months since I wrote this post, I can say that I've gone in the opposite direction. I let myself get too comfortable and I fell behind in my thesis work and my internship work. I can't remember what I said were my 2022 resolutions, but I'm adding the ability to balance my work and rest. I've always been so bad at it and I think that's probably an important skill to have before I'm forced into the real world. 

All that being said, I just finished an assignment ten minutes after it was due and now I'm going to bake cookies at 12:30 am so I clearly still have a lot to learn about time management.