Restaurants opened for indoor seating in Ohio!!! I'm so happy that things are opening back up. Even though I don't have anyone to go anywhere with yet, my boyfriend will be visiting soon so that will definitely make everything better.
Although Ohio is in the process of opening again, the rest of the world is still shut down. I really hope more than anything that New York opens before I have to go back to school. Otherwise I'll have to suffer through online school again and I'll have to spend the semester in Ohio. I don't hate Ohio as much as I rag on it; I really do appreciate it's quiet, peaceful existence. It's just that going to school in New York has really removed me from the social scene here, not that I was ever much a part of it. Now I have like two or three friends here and none of them I talk to regularly so I really don't want to hit them up and ask to hang out. I know that they would most likely say yes, but I'm just anxious about it. Maybe they won't like me anymore or they'll just flat out reject me. Or worse even we do get together and it's the most awkward experience. I would rather just stay home and spend time with my family since I don't get to see them when I'm at school. My sister who I'm closest with won't even be back until the end of June. My brother lives here, but for reasons I won't bore you with, I'm not super into spending time at his house. So I sit at home and watch youtube or Netflix. I am babysitting my sister's childhood friend's baby so that keeps me busy, but that's not an everyday thing. I had these plans to make a routine for myself when I got back home. Spend thirty minutes each a day reading, writing, practicing ukulele, and studying Spanish; but sadly I haven't stuck to it. I definitely write and read more than that, but the other things I just have no motivation for. I just get into this spiral of self hatred when I think about doing it. I've always had a problem with being super hard on myself to the point that I wouldn't do anything. I just sit around telling myself how lazy and worthless I am which of course does the exact opposite of motivating me. My boyfriend suggested starting small and doing fifteen minutes a day and really focusing on encouraging myself and not beating myself up when I don't get it all done; so I'm going make an attempt to implement that.
It's really amazing what a healthy relationship can do for you. I've grown so much in the just the couple of months that I've been with my boyfriend. Everyone has told me they see positive changes in me. I've seen them in myself as well. Today I saw on my timehop, an app that shows social media posts from past years, that four years ago today I was tweeting about wanting to die, hating boys, and swearing that I would never get into another relationship again. Obviously none of these things were true, well maybe I did want to die, but I didn't so that's all that matters. Now my life is so much better than when I was a sophomore in high school and I didn't think it ever would be. I have the greatest friends I've ever had, that I think of more as family, I'm in a great relationship, my bond with my biological family is stronger than ever because I can be more open and honest with them. I love myself more than I ever have and, I mentioned this before in my first post, I still do struggle with depression and anxiety; but it's never been more manageable. I guess this is just a long way of saying, it does get better. And that's something I would've scoffed at and though "yeah right" even just last year, and yet here I am.
Although Ohio is in the process of opening again, the rest of the world is still shut down. I really hope more than anything that New York opens before I have to go back to school. Otherwise I'll have to suffer through online school again and I'll have to spend the semester in Ohio. I don't hate Ohio as much as I rag on it; I really do appreciate it's quiet, peaceful existence. It's just that going to school in New York has really removed me from the social scene here, not that I was ever much a part of it. Now I have like two or three friends here and none of them I talk to regularly so I really don't want to hit them up and ask to hang out. I know that they would most likely say yes, but I'm just anxious about it. Maybe they won't like me anymore or they'll just flat out reject me. Or worse even we do get together and it's the most awkward experience. I would rather just stay home and spend time with my family since I don't get to see them when I'm at school. My sister who I'm closest with won't even be back until the end of June. My brother lives here, but for reasons I won't bore you with, I'm not super into spending time at his house. So I sit at home and watch youtube or Netflix. I am babysitting my sister's childhood friend's baby so that keeps me busy, but that's not an everyday thing. I had these plans to make a routine for myself when I got back home. Spend thirty minutes each a day reading, writing, practicing ukulele, and studying Spanish; but sadly I haven't stuck to it. I definitely write and read more than that, but the other things I just have no motivation for. I just get into this spiral of self hatred when I think about doing it. I've always had a problem with being super hard on myself to the point that I wouldn't do anything. I just sit around telling myself how lazy and worthless I am which of course does the exact opposite of motivating me. My boyfriend suggested starting small and doing fifteen minutes a day and really focusing on encouraging myself and not beating myself up when I don't get it all done; so I'm going make an attempt to implement that.
It's really amazing what a healthy relationship can do for you. I've grown so much in the just the couple of months that I've been with my boyfriend. Everyone has told me they see positive changes in me. I've seen them in myself as well. Today I saw on my timehop, an app that shows social media posts from past years, that four years ago today I was tweeting about wanting to die, hating boys, and swearing that I would never get into another relationship again. Obviously none of these things were true, well maybe I did want to die, but I didn't so that's all that matters. Now my life is so much better than when I was a sophomore in high school and I didn't think it ever would be. I have the greatest friends I've ever had, that I think of more as family, I'm in a great relationship, my bond with my biological family is stronger than ever because I can be more open and honest with them. I love myself more than I ever have and, I mentioned this before in my first post, I still do struggle with depression and anxiety; but it's never been more manageable. I guess this is just a long way of saying, it does get better. And that's something I would've scoffed at and though "yeah right" even just last year, and yet here I am.
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